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When I was sixteen years old I contemplated about death. I had suicidal thoughts when I was fifteen and I at some point had a suicide attempt. I will not get into too much detail on that because it’s all behind me and my future is looking bright. Well I’d like to think it is so I might at as well have a positive outlook on life.

I again had two journals in the span of one school year. This entry was written during the second half of my junior year. After the drama I started contemplating about my life and if the future is as dim as my present was at the time.

03-16-12

The sky looks white, not a single hint of blue. It’s Clean and very cloudy like my own mind. I’m in a  certain dark state in my life where I have no idea what to do or say without being bombarded. I’m quite fragile right now. I should be making a tune for my song but it’s quite hard really. when I can barely concentrate. 

In a few weeks the school year is ending and then I have to be planning for college and my life. I have the vision of my life but they are illustration I can only see them not feel it or live it. I’m 16 and basically still young and willing to live. There are a lot of experiences yet to live. I still have time until death reaches for my neck and strangles me. 

That’s the thing, you have no idea when you are going to die. Maybe right now or tomorrow or the next ten years. Death loves surprising people, it might even come knocking on your door 3 in the morning or in the middle of the road. Yeah, death is a bitch like that stalking you until it find the right moment to kill your sorry ass. Sometimes it whispers to you, making your mind drown in dark and painful thoughts manipulating you to make your death your choice. But it isn’t, would you have expected to kill yourself? No one did and even you never did. Can you stop it? No, no one can.

Even though death hurts and is one big pain in the ass. It keeps the balance of this world. I mean, everyone dies and they die for a reason the same way we live for a reason. We live to experience and then die to leave the world a memory at the same time we die to give way to another life. Death is quite mysterious and for some reason I am quite fascinated by it. 

Like I said it can strangle you with its cold hands before you lest expected it. It teaches us a lesson as soon as we close our eyes or if we have seen death in action. Death tells us to life as if it’s never watching us.

 

It made me wonder what do people think I should feel.  because I honestly feel like nothing most of the time. I have to constantly remind myself time and time again this is what happy feels like. When I’m clearly not happy and this is more than just slump.

I had dark thoughts in the past but these thoughts are more like uncertainty and being lost. I don’t want to feel like nothing and I apologize for my 16 year old self that this dilemma has reached great heights rather than be put to rest.

Until now I am fascinated with death.I accepted the fact we will all die and there’s no point in being afraid of death. Despite the cheesy way I wrote before I understood how my 16 year old self felt. I was afraid of graduating high school because I had no clue what to do in college. Now I’m facing the same dilemma with college. I am so unsure what to do with my life that it’s sad and pathetic.

There are days I feel like nothing. Not like I’m thin air or I’m invisible. I feel like I was placed here to do something and I’m so lost with what to do.  I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing in my life that I could be proud of. I feel empty inside and I don’t know what to fill it with.

But then again I remind myself that I have every tomorrow to find myself. The future is blurry and I may not know what’s going to happen but I’d like to believe that everything I say or do affects it. It’s going to change and will not comply to the plans I’ve mapped out in my head.

It’s life.

 

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