Dear Cupid, You’re A Jerk: How DTR Could’ve Saved The Mess

When you asked me if I wanted to come over, the last thing I expected was meeting your mother.  I sent you an eggplant emoji and you replied with hearts. It was clear we were not in the same relationship. I wanted something casual while you were already planning our wedding and the names of our future children. You said dating shouldn’t be a waste of time, you believe it’s a way for you to find “the one.” Meanwhile, I was 19 and still had other Tinder matches messaging me.

How We Met on Tinder

Diving into dating apps and dating sites were filled with regret and entertainment. I’ve met people who wanted to get right down to business, people who just want to talk, and Fanboys waiting to get their kink on. I’ve received messages ranging from dick pics, emojis insinuating sex, to kinky “Star Wars” related requests. I had one guy message me I’d be hot if I dressed like Darth Maul in bed and another asking me if I wanted to have sex while a “Star Wars” marathon was playing in the background. Thank God I found a few decent ones, one match, in particular, was looking for the love of his life.


Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash
Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

He said he didn’t like playing games to get someone’s attention, he likes to be more upfront about his feelings. I only swiped right on him because I thought he was kind of cute. Then I learned he was interesting and fun to talk to. We were chatting for a while and decided to finally meet. It was a very friendly meet with coffee and a warm get-to-know-you conversation – then we fooled around. It seemed clear to me that this was a casual thing because we’ve only just met then a few minutes later we had our tongues in each other’s mouths.

A few weeks have gone by and it was mostly physical. Sure we talked about what our futures would look like and baby names we liked. But I was slightly clueless, I mentioned what I wanted my future to look like yet to him it sounded like he was going to be a part of it. It took a long while to realize he wanted something serious even though the evidence of it was right in front of me. He would often text me good morning or goodnight each with a heart emoji. After fooling around, he’d suggest places we can go eat and offer to take me home – even when I’m in school or with friends he’d offer the same thing. So when the next time he texted me to come over, I shouldn’t have been surprised.

Why defining the relationship is important

Photo by Elizabeth Tsung on Unsplash
Photo by Elizabeth Tsung on Unsplash

What do you do when someone who you thought was only casual introduced you as their girlfriend? I did what I do the best stand there awkwardly and let my facial expression do the talking. He scooped up my hand and pulled me closer to him to signify how sweet a couple we were though in my head we were not. Surprisingly the dinner with his mother wasn’t all that awkward since he mostly did the talking. It scared me how much he mentioned how lucky he was to have me. Because all I wanted was casual not a serious relationship.

The very next day I asked if we could talk at his place. I told him about how we weren’t in the same relationship, he sees it as something serious while I saw it as just fooling around. I was scared I broke his heart and I did but what happened next was the scariest thing of all. He stood up, his body all tense and he was shaking. He started screaming about how I was a heartless bitch that made him look stupid in front of his mother. He knocked down a chair in front of me and turned away from me. It looked like he was trying to calm down which I hoped for because I was scared he might do something worse than knocking down a chair.  After a few deep breaths, in the calmest voice he can he told me to leave. I ran out the door as quickly as I could.

It wasn’t the last time

A few months later, I heard from him again and he was still mad. He would message me calling me a slut and that there will never be anyone who would genuinely love me. He once sent a long message saying how I should’ve been lucky that there was someone willing to love someone like me. I fought back a few times but ultimately gave up. But his messages would not stop. I had to block him because what he was doing was considered harassment.

I spent months scared that one day he’d just come banging on my door but thank God he never did. Perhaps he finally gave up or found someone else. Since then, I always made sure to define the relationship. I always made sure the other person knew whether or not we were exclusive or casual. Though, I wish it didn’t take a frightening experience for me to learn that lesson.



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