“Fight for her you fucking idiot.” My friend Trent said as he slapped the back of my head.
“She doesn’t even like talking me how am I supposed to do anything?” I asked.
“You’re a fucking idiot,” he said again without the violent gesture.
“I think that’s been established.” I said a little annoyed with his redundancy.
It’s been three days and she’s still pissed, I wouldn’t blame her. However she did say she was fine with it and then messaged me out of nowhere saying she wasn’t. Couldn’t she pick her emotion first before broadcasting it?
“It needs to sink in that you are an idiot, let it eat you up inside,” Trent said as he was making rounds and taking orders in the coffee shop.
How he can multitask blaming me and his job was impressive and annoying.
After he checked his post to see any more customers he sat across from me then hit me on the head again.
“Do you have any idea what damage you caused to that girl’s heart? She clearly has every right to yell you out on being an asshole.” He said, “She thought everything was fine with you two then…” he made an explosion sound to emphasize my mistake, “you dropped a bomb.”
I was about to argue then he put his hand up cutting me off before even starting, “don’t argue with me because whatever you will say I will use against you. Speaking of that… your fucking words, you told this girl you loved her and you were falling for her! Tell me what decent person does that then tell them they no longer want to see them? And what’s even worse is that you took her out on a nice date then you decided to break up with her the next day!”
I wanted to try to punch Trent’s face but he’s bigger and stronger than me. So all I could do was sit there and take it like a man and explain myself.
“Time is a problem for us! I’m busy and will get even busier. I barely have time for myself and then there’s school-“
He cut me off, “Time? Time is the problem for you but let me tell you something Josh time stands still doing its job so you can’t blame it for anything. Time is not a problem, you’re the problem because time is flexible you can work around it. It just takes a lot of effort.”
“But it will be disastrous and the efforts would be stupid. It would end eventually.” I told him, “She said she was fine with it, I told her my explanation and she said with a big smile on her face saying she understood.”
Trent took a deep breath and when I thought he was about to agree he slapped me across the face. I felt the shocked expressions of everyone in the café.
“Don’t worry everyone I didn’t do this because he was a stupid customer it’s because he broke a girl’s heart with the lamest excuse in the fucking world.” He announced.
“What was the excuse?” a stranger asked.
“It’s that he was too busy with himself that he can’t take time to find 5 minutes to be with her. What’s even worse is that he did this after taking her out on a date and telling her he was falling in love with her.” He continued to broadcast.
Their shocked faces turned into bitter disappointment and resentment. I tried to hide my face.
“Asshole!” another stranger heckled.
“The jury has spoken my friend! You are a certified asshole.” Trent said amused with the shared blame and anger in the café.
“Fight for her!” someone said then we looked at her direction, “stop being an idiot thinking that your reason is valid. Sure I’m a stranger and know nothing of your situation but it doesn’t take a wise man to see that you’re an asshole.”
“I agree with her!” Trent exclaimed as he sat back down facing away his audience.
“You didn’t have to announce to a group of strangers about my love life,” I told him.
“Well you need some pretty damn good convincing that you’re an idiot and an asshole.”
I should be angry but I’m not, I was a ball of fucked up emotions and indecisive tendencies. I stared at her message for two days thinking I should reply or argue with her. But I already have the mind-set of losing, I lost her already why give her more reasons to hate me? Which is worse, she doesn’t hate me.
My reason is valid because I want to be with her more than just 5 minutes in a day. I want to throw everything else away just to hold her hand but that’s not reality.
“You don’t think I want to be with her? Because I do it’s not practical to be together when time is an issue.”
“You’re so… you know what, never mind I can’t convince you neither can a group of strangers. Only you can fix your mistake.”
He looked tired as he walked back to his post ready to take coffee orders.
I’ve been a mess for days now; I wish I didn’t say what I said. I should’ve stayed, I wanted to stay.
“Trent… I have to go.” I rushed out of the coffee shop before he would ask me why.
Just stop and don’t think. Thinking too much brought me to hurt someone I cared too much about. Now she thinks everything I said or done is empty. It’s not empty; I’m just an overthought mess.
I stopped right in front of her house. I don’t know which one was her room window but I didn’t care if I start to think I’ll chicken out.
I’m sure about one thing… she’ll know this song. I’m not a singer, so this is not one of those stories where the boy serenades her. No, this is not that cliché.
I got my violin out of the case and took a deep breath before playing. I let myself go with the song, she loves this song. Even if she would throw a brick over my head at least she knows I knew her favourite song.
“What do you want?” I stopped playing and when I opened my eyes there she was, with her hair resting on her shoulders and she was wearing a plain shirt and boy-shorts.
She looked angry, confused and I noticed her eyes were shiny, red and puffy. It’s a depressing thought knowing you were the cause of the tears.
“I just needed to play you a song,” I said.
“Well you played it,” she said irritated, “look if you came here to say something please say it because if you came here to play that stupid song you’re just taunting me.”
“No it’s just that…I mean…” I didn’t know what to say heck what do you say? I’m fighting for you seem so…
“Please Josh just fucking say it.”
“I’m in love you,” there because I had nothing else to say but I meant it.
Her expression changed in that instant but not in the way I wanted. I hoped she’d hesitate then smile or say it back, instead she started to sob.
“You’re in love me? You said that before and look where we are now. You don’t know what love means Josh.” She said her words clear through her verge of tears.
“I meant it then and I mean it now. I never lied to you,” I said defending myself.
“How can you mean it? Do you have any idea how pathetic you made me look? I tried to find your reason valid but I couldn’t because it felt like a lame excuse to try to tell a girl you have zero interest in being with her. What’s even worse is that you made me fall for you, I was already attached. You made me believe that you thought I was special and then you blindsided me saying you wanted to end things.” Her eyes started to tear up, “you don’t know what love means Josh.”
I stared at her, she was clearly mad. It looked like a mistake to try but I had to. I stood there speechless because what was I supposed to say?
“Love is more than sweet words and cliched promises. I thought for a moment that maybe this time I didn’t fall for a mistake.” She continued, “But I did and I hate you for it. Thought at the same time I don’t really hate you. Seeing you right now is breaking my heart and crying in front of you makes me feel like an idiot.”
I avoided her eyes when I saw a tear sliding down her cheek. I put my violin down and walked towards her; she didn’t flinch or walked away.
“I’m an idiot. I’m an asshole, every word synonymous to it that is what I am. So will you…” I took a moment trying to find a hint of resentment in her expression or hesitation “is there a possibility for you to give me another chance?”
She looked at me and said, “Ask me again.”
“Ask me again when I’m not a wreck, I won’t immediately give you a second chance.” she said, “you broke me and I’m not going to ask you to fix what you’ve done to me and neither can you try.”
I was confused, “so it’s a no?”
“Like I said… ask me again, right now I’m not in the right state of mind to make a decision. So if you still feel the same way then ask again.”
She turned her back and got inside the house. I swear before she did, I saw a smile on her face.