Falling Apart and Burning

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I am sitting in a burning room and all I can say is that I am fine. By the next few minutes, I would be buried with my ruins of my sanity. I am watching flames dance until everything becomes ashes along with my desire to live. Turned off my phone, my Wifi, and social life.  I do not need a public confession of what is spinning in my head. Even loneliness left me by midnight.

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Late Night Love

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Tired city lights, lazy neon signs, and street lamps
people looking for bar stools, lonely eyes and a drink
Shmucks looking for love in a lust filled palace
a mix of desperate lovers and horny bastards
doing anything to get into someone’s pants
covering tanlines where wedding rings were supposed to be
There’s the lonely man walking up to the pretty girl,
his charming smile and witty pick-up lines
are compensating for his lousy skills in bed.
(that or any other tiny detail)
Then there’s the already beautiful girl trying so hard
to find her confidence in a man’s arms,
and then her insecurities will come creeping back
as soon as he leaves the next morning.

Tale of Two Loves

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Your love chokes me and I no longer want that
I said you take my breath away
But you are crushing my windpipe
Your love makes me bleed, your love makes me cry
Love hurts but we took the metaphor literally
When I said I wanted a crazy kind of love
Call me insane kind of love
What you gave me is drown in alcohol until I forget the ceiling kind of love
I no longer want to be intoxicated because of your love
I no longer want to be delusional because of your love
I no longer want to be in pain because of your love
I no longer want to torture myself kind of love
They said love is sacrifice, but this is masochism
They said love doesn’t need logic but This is stupidity
It was a lost all of my common sense kind of love
I don’t want your kind of love anymore
I don’t want to look for you anymore
Because your love created a monster
Your love  burned my soul, questioned my innocence
Made me believe that my heart wasn’t worth keeping
My heart was better off breaking
Your love broke me and I have no idea where the pieces are
I’d wake up chained to my bed wondering where you are
Now the shackles are gone
I am free, broke out of your vicious traps
You are no longer the last though as I’m in bed
My pillow is dry because I’ve stopped whispering your name
As I slowly fall asleep, I finally rid my thoughts of you
Because there is someone new in the picture to help me
And I prefer to taste his lips because I want to get rid of your toxic kiss
I prefer to feel his skin against mine,
Feel his caress and ignore the bruises you left
I prefer to feel his hands underneath the sheets
Whenever the sun would creep through the window
Compared to empty beds because you forget to stay
This is something I can actually call love
And it’s better than your definition

What I Meant

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When I said let’s go out for coffee
I meant to ask if you like me
When I said I like talking to you
I meant to say I’m crazy about you
When I said I write poetry
I meant I’m all out of inspiration
And I’m tired of writing about him
When I can write about you

I no longer want to write about
The taste of his lips
When I can kiss you
I no longer want to write verses
About his eyes and his smile
When I can write about how you make me laugh
I am tired of backreading his messages
When we can keep our midnight conversations

When I said let’s go out for coffee
What I meant to say was
I’m tired of playing his game
Because I finally knew your name

Pieces of Peace: Letters I Never Sent

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One:

We’ve gotten closer; we exchanged books and playlists which were equivalent to sharing pieces of our souls. We shared secrets that we never told anyone else and it was the first time anyone would raise a fist to protect me. You gave me a book and I saw it as a way to tell me that you cared more than you let on.

It was also during those six months I saw you crumble.

You were depressed, you were in a dark place and I didn’t know what to do for a while. I gave you the space and advice you needed. That was when I realized I knew you well like a routine, I made sure that I didn’t tick you off or reminded you of your crippling sadness. Instead I tried to get your smile and charisma back.

I desperately wanted you happy even though I wasted so much of my time and energy trying to make that happen.

Two:

It was an unrequited sort of situation. Such a masochistic form of love, loving someone but not doing anything about it instead you’re just there at a near distance. Looking at you is like looking at a literal what if, what can happen but I was too afraid to lose it.

You were my Achilles’ heel, the only exception and the reason for my cowardice. I had so many chances to say how I felt however none of them felt right. Most of the time I’m too late to reveal anything. Other times I try to move on only to find myself with assholes.

You were the mistake I couldn’t afford to make.

Three:

Summer rolled in.

I spent three months drunk, loud and sober and then mooned over another boy who had a fascination with my legs. I tasted freedom, vodka and lips of a few regrets. But I did forget about you every moment I was in somebody else’s bed or arms.

Four:

When I wrote “I never minded chasing you” I was referring to you and not him.

Five:

We are compatible in personality and interests but it wasn’t fate that let us meet. It was random coincidences that lead us to each other. No destiny working there because I’m pretty sure the universe has better plans than trying to get us together.

Six:

It’s weird that it took me this long to write about us when there was never an “us” to begin with. You were the idea I fell in love with, you were the friend I trusted and now we’re co-existing.

Maybe in five years’ time we will talk again. We would mature by then. We would be different people by then and maybe just maybe I stopped writing poetry about you.

Seven:

There’s this Jesse McCartney song from 2006 that applies so well to what I’m feeling at the moment.

Letter Eight:

I like him. I love you. I really like him. I loved you. Past tense.

Nine:

He’s wonderful, he’s great and then I’ll say “he’s not you.”

Which is the best part because why would I want another you?

 Ten:

Thanks for not ignoring me.

K.

To the Boy with the Blue Guitar

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I placed you on a pedestal
No, I made you a throne to sit on
However my efforts were wasted
I promise this is my last piece
I promise this is the last time
you will ever be mentioned in my poetry
Because I am tired of revisiting old conversations
Same old metaphors all referring to you.
We are compatible in personality and interests
But that doesn’t make us soulmates
Fate and destiny had nothing to do with this
It was random coincidences that lead us to each other
I’m pretty sure the universe has better plans
Than trying to get us together

So here we are
Learning to co-exist