Wandering Bar Lovers

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Photo by Jan Phoenix on Unsplash

 

I don’t know where you’re going
and I have no idea where I’m heading
might as well try to find a path together
While I spill the last drop of whiskey
I’m half way drunk but still sober enough
These rocky starts and winding roads
are hard for someone who can’t walk straight
my vision is kinda hazy for me to see the way
My words are slurred but my thoughts are coherent
With my common sense still on the tracks
even without a bottle I don’t trust my instincts
you’re probably lost and asking for directions
While I’m trapped in empty glasses and conversations
Waiting for morning to shake me
You’re patient and attached
And I cling unto you
Hoping you won’t walk into a fantasy

Pieces of Peace: Dear Cupid You’re A Jerk

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Want a tip? Never get drunk and fall in love or you’ll end up like me.

There I was finally twenty years old and with the worst hangover one could ever experience in their lifetime. My head hurts, my back felt as if I’ve lost my spine and then I had class in the next 45 minutes. Also my mouth tasted like vomit and I was lucky I did not sleep in a pool of my own stomach waste.

But there was still a bitter taste in my mouth that I can’t get rid of, even after downing a bottle of mouthwash. Because mouthwash cannot help your metaphoric bitterness, it can help you with plaque though.

Great he’s part of the long list of fuck ups I’ve encountered in many of my romantic endeavors.

When you’re about to tell the love of your life that there was no way in hell that you will only be “just friends” please make sure they are single. For crying out loud your life will never be a romantic comedy, that is what I tell myself everyday for motivational reasons. Because in romantic comedies a huge romantic gesture or confession fixes everything but in real life you don’t get that. In real life you have to understand consequences and what might affect your relationship with the person if you ever see each other again.

However there was one thing you get to experience as if you’re in a cheesy romantic comedy, the craziness.

They said love makes you crazy but then again no one likes to experience temporary insanity. Especially with alcohol involved though I’ve done regrettable things in the name of love sober as well. This one just happens to be the worst of the worst.

I still have my journals to prove it. From bad poetry to mindless and shallow rambling about crushes I never approached. There are guidelines to a list of mistakes I told myself never to repeat also stories that make good memories. Even the ones with heartache because those shape us to be who we are and how we perceive love.

Oh bullshit, I will be honest I only have one person to blame for the mess that is my love life and he’s an angel wearing a diaper.  This stupid diaper-wearing-angel is named Cupid and he decided to introduce me to his world by shooting me with one of his arrows of love. 

I was in second grade when love decided to tug on my heart strings. He was a fifth grader; obviously my nine-year-old self did not understand age gaps. Age wasn’t an issue for her, the issue was how not to look like an idiot around him. Which meant constant avoidance, I was nine you can’t blame me for thinking I’d do something stupid if I was in his presence.

Though what fifth grade boy would talk to a second grader? In my nine-year-old eyes he was interesting, cute, mature and way out of my league. He was in the stages of puberty while I played with my toys and sang along to Disney movies. Also I was weird, not only did I love Disney princesses but I was obsessed with comic book heroes. He would probably cringe if he knew I drew the Hulk and Cinderella running off to the sunset.

I had fantasies dedicated to him. He was my image of prince charming. Of course I was nine and since I was avoiding him I settled for distanced encounters. Back then his name was written at the back of my Spider-man notebook. Now I can’t even recall his name much less his face. Eleven years later I only remember that first crush feeling.

It’s weird how I always looked for his face, now I can’t even remember the colour of his eyes.

My first crush lasted for about a year and that was where it all began. Once love gives you a taste, it’s going to be persistent to give you a full meal.

And damn I already had an appetite for it at such an early age. We think we’re the ones addicted to love when in fact it’s love that’s obsessed with us. If Cupid is real then he is an asshole.

Dear Cupid, you’re a fucking jerk.

 

Romantically Drunk

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I have an inbox filled with slurs
Drunk texts on the receiving end
An empty bottle next to my charger
Shot glasses left on the table
And blurred thoughts with heavy eyes
I asked myself, “What the fuck happened last night?”

It takes seconds to reach for my phone
It’s five in the morning
I’m cringing reading the words I’ve said
The truth has typos in case you didn’t know
Now that I’m sober it’s hard for me to decipher
If I said “I love you” or typed randomly
Either way, you didn’t believe me

Where was I last night that I had my phone
and where were you, did you laugh or realized
That maybe you’ve known for so long but denied
I can only recall staring at a bright screen
With midnight passing me and I didn’t even felt it
Because I waited for your reply
To my unconscious messages

It wasn’t that I’ve confessed while intoxicated
Trust me there are worse things I’ve regretted
It’s that I told you I loved you
And you replied
“I don’t believe you.”

October Rains

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I asked for your name
I wish I never did
Because I was speaking in tongues
With goosebumps crawling on my neck
And you hadn’t touched me yet

I asked for your number
That was my second mistake
For a year I spoke in mediocre abbreviations
While I screamed metaphors to my pillow
I’m dramatically poetic, as if you’ll ever know
You only hear me when I’m wryly sarcastic

You had me writing letters
You had me making dedications
Ask anyone, I never show that much affection
I should’ve left but you had me hooked
And all it took was one conversation

I convinced myself you weren’t real
Or I’m denying every emotion I feel
You make me mad, you left me depressed
Hung up, hungover, still holding on to you
But I forgive you with every chance you get

It takes you three seconds
To make me laugh
You were the only shoulder
That could carry my burden
The only one who can make me smile
After crying my heart out

Now you’re a past tense in my storyline
A regret, a “what if” and another page torn
I shouldn’t have asked your name
I shouldn’t have gotten your number
It’s my fault and I’m still attached

Cut me off
So I can learn to let go